Who is Albus Potter?
by MeanieEer
Summary: Albus Potter- aka 'Al' or 'Aspis': Sixth year Slytherin. He's got a little free time in between reading and going to Zane's, so he decided to write down everything about himself. Warning: He's a little crazy. Sorry if this isn't funny. I've got a weird sense of humor. I feel very unpatriotic- the way I talked about America. Reviews make me happy. Hope you like! T for swearing!


**J.K. Rowling is a British goddess and I'm just a lazy wannabe from Wisconsin, so I don't own Harry Potter, any names you may recognize, or phrases. **

Who is Albus Potter? Haha, well audience, I'll tell you. I'll tell you about my cousins, my siblings, my friends, my parents, Lune and Soleil, and just random facts about myself. Brace yourself. I may come off as insane, but it's ok. Well, until I end up in a bed next to Gilderoy Lockhart and Alice's paternal grandparents. My parents had a psychological evaluation done on me back in the fourth year, but don't worry- I'm not crazy. On the very fine line, but not crazy. Yet. (insert insane laughter here)

I was the brains of the entire next generation of the Weasley family. Even if I was a Potter. My eleven Outstandings in my OWLs, extremely high log in hours at the library, and nearly photographic memory allowed me to defend my position. My best friends- Zane Zabini, Owen Peador, Thora Flint, Meredith Goyle, and Jane Carlton- could vouch for me. Sure, Jane might say that if I went to a muggle school, I'd more than likely have graduated high school by the time I was thirteen, Owen likes to tell me that if I learn anything more, my head will explode, Zane tends to have me do his Potions homework for him- and he's a year older than me-, and Meredith's claims my best friend is Madam Pince, the very old and very bitter librarian, but Thora once told me if we were all on a Academic decathlon, I'd win- even it was all of them verses me. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Name any cousin, and I was a much better student then them.

Rose? No way. She does well, but she loves Quidditch too much, being the Star Gryffindor Chaser- right alongside Lily and Alice Longbottom. She and her best friends- Scorpius Malfoy (nearly gave Uncle Ron a heart attack with that one) and Collin Creevey- spent the whole day goofing around. She got four Outstandings on her OWLs: Defense against the Dark Arts, Herbology, Care of Magical Creatures, and Charms. No, Rose certainly did not have her mother's brains. And Hugo? Don't even get me started on Hugo, considering he once asked me why Orion had a belt if he didn't wear pants. Last year. He was fourteen. I just shook my head slowly and walked away.

Victorie? Again, she did well, but she was more of a glider. She got good enough grades that she was a prefect- and later Head Girl, but they weren't spectacular. Her Oustandings consisted of Charms, Transfiguration, Divination, Ancient Runes, and DADA. She didn't do much after she graduated either, working as a front desk worker at Gringotts because she was so beautiful, people _wanted _to give her their money. All Dominique wanted to do was sing and got a contract a month after she graduated and moved to America, and Louis was just like Victoire. Also being one of James' best friends didn't help.

Molly? Molly was smart, but it all books. Being the only Weasley- besides Dom (who had been a Hufflepuff) - who wasn't in Gryffindor. For Ravenclaw Molly, if her common room wasn't a library, she'd be in the library just as much as I was. Being so- however- she only got an Outstanding in Ancient Runes, Arithmancy, Astrology, History of Magic, Transfiguration, and Muggle Studies. Like I said- book smart. Lucy was an awful student, but she did get an O in Potions- the only one to do so beside me.

Fred II? Roxanne? Don't make me laugh. The Beater and Chaser (before Alice got on the team) for the Gryffindors wouldn't be caught dead in the library. They lived for the sky and the sky was their home. When they did take a break, it was to go invent stuff for their father's store. Fits, being their Dad is the owner of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. Their Outstandings were Care of Magical Creatures, DADA, and Muggle Studies.

Ha! Haha! HA! (insert a looooong pause here, filled with laughter) James? Don't even shit me. James barely even knows the difference between Charms and Transfiguration (_they're the SAME! _He insisted), or the difference between a gerbil and a guinea pig. A turtle and a tortoise. Pie and pi. Area using parametric equations and the area of an eclipse. Ok, that last one is smart people talk, and most people wouldn't be able to tell you what either of those is. But still. His Outstanding? Defense against the Dark Arts. Sure, that's the only one my dad got too, but he was preoccupied with a small little thing at the time. I can't remember exactly what it was, but I think it was something like- SAVING THE BLOODY WORLD FROM HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAME. No excuses James. He even got a Troll in potions.

"In Potions?!" I exclaimed when he read them out loud at breakfast, the summer between my fourth and fifth years. "Really?! Who gets Trolls in anything but Divination? _Really?"_ Lily giggled. James told me to shut up. Dad glared at me. Mum smacked my hand with her spoon- which was covered in pancake batter and it flew all over me (and she didn't even apologize, _sniff, sniff_). Lily was… ok. She got pretty much the same as Victorie, but she took Muggle Studies instead of Divination. Like Rose, Quidditch was her baby.

Bum. Ba da dum dum dum dum dum! Da da dum dum dum dum dum! Dum dum Da da duM! Da da da da dum! Da da da! Dum de duM! Da da da dum! Da da da DUM DE DUM! AND NOW, THE RULER OF THE UNIVERSE… ALBUUUUUS SEVERUUUUS POTTERRRRRRRRR! (_Whooo! Yeah! I Love You! Mrs. Potter!)_

I'd actually prefer if you'd call me Al, however. Very first day of classes, I told all my professors to call me Al. I really don't like when people name their kids after people with reputations. And my name is particularly a nasty one. Not that I have anything against Albus Dumbledore, but come on! He was one of the most famous and well respected men of all magical time! His name is right up there with Merlin! Let's not forget that he was a Gryffindor, and I am a Slytherin. And seriously, telling muggles that your name is Albus is no fun at all.

"So what's your name, little boy?"

"Albus."

Cue snickers, pffts, and jokes. It made me so mad when I was younger. Then, of course, when I tried just saying "Al", my dad would get mad and make me tell them my real name. Now, I just either tell people, Al or Aspis- which is what all of Slytherin calls me. I won't get into the details of its origin. Basically, it's a small snake that is highly poisonous. And Aspis suppousdly sounds like Albus, so… I guess its better that Albus. _Sob_!I tell you audience! My life is so tragic! Sometimes I just want to jump off the Astronomy tower! I hate life! I hate it! I hate it!

A little bit of an overreaction, I suppose. I don't really hate life. I tend to get a little crazy when I have too much sugar. Like when my grandmother insists on me having _another_ piece of the birthday cake, or when Zane and Mere force feed me three batches of that American 'cotton candy' stuff (sugar and flavoring, by the way) Jane made and seven muggle 'pixie sticks' that she brought New York before classes started for the day so I'd be insane for the morning and dead for the afternoon, or when Thora gave me a bunch of candy with a high sugar content, told me it the sugar amount was _very_ low, and they found me curled up in fetal position sleeping on the third floor after singing Lady Gaga songs at the top of my lungs on the fifth floor. It must be a disease, because it's certainly not genetic. James and Lily can eat a whole gallon of ice cream and only feel sick. If I tried, I'd set my house on fire.

Hey, don't laugh! I got in all kinds of trouble! At least a month and a half worth of detentions from all of them! James also wrote our parents- telling them I was going insane- and right before the meeting I had to have with McGonagall and my parents, someone put large amount of sugar in my pumpkin juice. I had been so nervous, I didn't even notice. I was fine for a while, but once the sugar hit my system… dead man. I don't think I've seen my dad that mad- well, at least, not since James decided he could fly Dad's old Firebolt when he was six- with not only no practice, but right in our front yard when a bunch of muggles could have seen. You're laughing again, so I'm just going to move on. Ain't nobody got time for that!

Was that right Jane? Yeah? Ok, good. America. Strange country.

You obviously think I'm crazy. No, I know you didn't say anything, but your eyes screamed CRAZY! INSANE! HIDE YO KIDS! HIDE YO WIFE! HELP! Yeah, I know. I get that quite a lot. But it's a talent I have, reading eyes. Zane told me I should be one of those American super heroes- like Superman, or Spiderman. I was all for it too, until Jane told me they wore skin tight spandex and their sidekicks are usually _really_ young boys who also wear spandex. No thank you. No matter what Owen tries to tell the new first years, I am _not _gay for Scorpius Malfoy, nor am I for _anyone_.

Ya know… I really am getting tired of you laughing at me. I'd ramble on about it, but then you'd laugh more. I may not love Quidditch like the rest of my family (I honestly think it's a waste of time and the teams my family cheers for are pathetic and awful, _cough cough_, Chudley Cannons), but I am also not a Gryffindor. No "I'm above stabbing in the back and I'll only duel valiantly and honorably" shit. We Slytherin are more of a "pull you into our lairs to kill you, kill you from the shadows, and lie and cheat so we can kill you" kind of people. Notice a pattern? Don't think my completely Gryffindor background has kept that from me, because it hasn't.

I am also _literally_ a genius. Yeah, yeah, I know. You've probably heard that one before, but I'm not even kidding. When Mum got a hold of my OWLs, she wanted to know how smart I really was. So, without my dad knowing, she took me to an I.Q. test. It took nearly all day, and I was exhausted by the end of it. When they told my mother I tested high in the _genius_ range, she was ecstatic. She then took me shopping, and told me I could get whatever I wanted. I got all books- muggle and magical- and at the end of the trip, she bought me a very expensive laptop computer. Daddy dearest was not pleased, but then again- Dad never quite forgave me after I told him just exactly what I thought about his precious Quidditch.

Anyway, I suppose I haven't told you really a single thing about any of my friends. Zane Zabini is my greatest and most trusted (if you can trust a Slytherin ;) ) friend. His mum is from India, so he got a slightly darker complexion, but that was about it for his India heritage. His dad was in the same year as my dad, but a Slytherin. Blaise Zabini was sort of a Death Eater, but he didn't have a dark mark. Ever since Zane was seven, his dad has been in Azkaban. To this day, Zane's mom still won't tell Zane, Zoe, or Zeke why Blaise was in Azkaban. Zoe is in my year, but we didn't hang with her much. Zeke is in Lily's year, and is not only one of her best guy friends, but- as of June- her boyfriend. They told Zane, James, and I on the last day, and Zane and I celebrated the occasion by dancing around singing: "We're gunna be brothers!"

Next up is Meredith Goyle. I know what you're thinking (I can read it in your eyes): Goyle? But wasn't her dad a _legit_ Death Eater? Who cares? If Rose can be BFFs with Scorpius _**Malfoy**_ (Uncle Ron nearly had an aneurysm when he found out), then I can be friends with a Goyle. She's one of the few people I can call my friend who both her parents went to Hogwarts, instead of just one, and she's the only friend who both parents were in Slytherin. She's not anything like her dad- who, according to my father- was fat, slow, and incredibly idiotic. She only has one other brother- two years older than us and in Slytherin- and he was currently working for the Ministry, training to be an Auror.

Thora Flint's the finale in our original group of four. Born and raised- until she was ten- in Tromsø, Norway, she moved to the childhood home of her dad (who was Marcus Flint, by the way) in London, when he and Thora's mother- a woman named Korrina- divorced. Awkwardly for our group (not for her, but for everyone else), I suddenly pulled an Aunt Hermione and started crushing on her. She was kind of like Uncle Ron- she didn't even notice. Thora has one brother named Reine. Being four years older than Thora, he didn't go with Thora and her dad when they moved to London, because he was already in his second or third year of school. Thora hadn't seen him since her and her dad left, but she had just spent the last two months in Norway for her brother's wedding- to some woman named Magdalena that Thora liked at first, but wasn't so sure after Magdalena had yelled at her for something incredibly stupid.

Anyway, next is Owen Peador. We aren't as close and Zane and I are, but he's just as musically talented as I am and the only one who closest to meeting me on an intelligence level (nine Outstanding out of ten of his classes, with an Acceptable in Care of Magical Creatures). His mom was a Slytherin- Millicent Bulstrode (my Dad nearly had an aneurysm of his own when he heard Millicent had actually gotten married and he assumed her children demon spawn until he met Owen). His dad was a Ravenclaw (pureblood, of course) but a year or two older than his mum. He had a younger sister in Ravenclaw, named Ophelia, who was about Lily's age as well. It was Owen who gave me the name, Aspis.

Finally, is Janine Carlton. A peculiar one, that Jane. Until she was seven, she lived in Des Moines, Iowa. Her parents then moved to the Brooklyn area of New York. Her dad still lived there, working in his very successful muggle and magical steakhouse, but her mum had gotten an important job at the Ministry here and London, and her, Jane, and two of Jane's younger twin siblings (she had five siblings), Jacob and Jason, who were Ravenclaws in Lily's grade. Every summer, they visited her father and remaining three siblings, Janice, Jared, and Jackson in New York. She came back with weird sayings and American treats we feasted on, gadgets that we tried to figure out (Rubex Cube, oh Rubex Cube… I hate you), and music we plugged into the Common Room CD player.

I know. Common Room CD player? But… but… I thought Hogwarts didn't do that electronics thing! I didn't either, but somewhere between my dad's time and my time, it had been all (what's the phrase Jane uses?), _tricked out?_ Something like that. I have no idea what happened, but it suited us a bit. All Slytherins were required to take Muggle Studies, and most other houses didn't really take it anymore. It was quite fun to play with buttons when you were really bored. Especially when you've finished your class work, the rest of the house hasn't, and you press the "Disco Ball" and "Dance Party" buttons. I got a week of detention for bumping those buttons while McGonagall was in there.

My relationship with my family varied at incredibly different levels. My dad and my Uncle Ron weren't very fond of me (as well as most of my male cousins), but my mother and Aunt Hermione thought I was brilliant. My favorite uncles had to be Uncle's Percy and George- two completely different people, but amazingly great to be around (no matter what anyone said, my Uncle Percy DID have a sense of humor. You just had to look for it)- and my favorite aunts being Aunts Audrey and Hermione- even if Aunt Audrey is a muggle (which is why she is one of my favorites) and Aunt Hermione is married to one of the most irritating adults I've ever met. My Gran and Grandpa never got over me being a Slytherin, but unlike my other relatives, they were actually decent to me.

Rose and Lily probably treated me the greatest. Like I said before, Rose's best friend was Scorpius Malfoy, the son of our parent's childhood rival and proven Death Eater. Malfoy had finally broken the Slytherin ancestry, and had been sorted into Gryffindor. The press likes to say that was the day the hat had gone crazy- putting a Malfoy in Gryffindor and a Potter in Slytherin. She also hadn't told Uncle Ron yet, but as of last Monday (thanks to me!), they were now an "item". About bloody time, if I may add.

Lune and Soleil are a curious pair. When the new common room was discovered, there stood two tanks with small magic boa constrictors. There were named Lune and Soleil- with small plaques giving them that name- and they became comfort objects to the common room and its students through the hard times of future discrimination. Lune and Soleil loved the students of Slytherin and even called us their little "snaklets".

No, we don't have magical talking snakes, although that would be bloody amazing. There is a Parselmouth in Hogwarts, and I bet you can't guess who it is.

Me? How'd you know? Most people don't. Actually, only Slytherin knows and they are forbidden from telling anyone outside the group. I guess I inherited the trait from my father, although it's odd because James and Lily don't speak it. My father hasn't even been able to speak it since he defeated Lord Voldemort. I don't dare tell anyone outside of Slytherin, because that just gives James another reason to tell people how destined I was to be in Slytherin. We've been getting along recently- who would've thought it'd take seven years?- and I didn't want to screw that up.

What else can I tell you? Not really anything, I guess. You now know literally _everything_ about me. It's a bit creepy, and I'm not really sure why I decided to tell the world about this. And you? A bit stalkerish, I'd say. Of course, if you're Jane, you'd say, "It's not stalking! It's extreme loving on one side!" This then makes me wonder if Jane has ever stalked someone while she was in the States. No one will ever know with that girl. Luckily, I didn't tell you I live in Godrics Hollow, so you cant… show up… at my house.

Damn it.

Oh well. I guess that's it then. Until next time audience.

_Aspis out!_


End file.
